Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
