i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
