I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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