Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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