I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
