When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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