I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
