Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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