the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
