Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I want a musical about memes.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
