Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love you.
Bad choice
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
