yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
