One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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