I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
