i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
where does the pee come out of this thing
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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