Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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