Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
