When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
