Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
