You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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