Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
