Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
