I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
