I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
