Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're so nebulous sometimes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
