i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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