Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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