It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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