my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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