1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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