He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
