cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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