Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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