I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i think my cat just said my name.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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