you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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