i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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