I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
