just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
