I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
