what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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