I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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