we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
