Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
