We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
