Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
