Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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