I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
