gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
