He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
