I would go down on you faster than GM stock
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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