why didn't you poke me back
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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