My hand turned me down
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
