Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize