i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
