We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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