I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
