Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
