dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize