I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
