trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
