I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
