I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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