dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
